chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
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[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Dolls on drugs
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”