Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You Might Also Like
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
🏙👨🏼
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out