hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
How your email finds me
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.