*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m a bad influence on myself.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.