If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
crochet youtube is brutal
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*