me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!