If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
same bro
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.