Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.