The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
this is what they would have looked like, though
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table