I got soap in my shower beer again.
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Come back with a warrant
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ready to be harvested
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Oh. My. God.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”