Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
three things we don’t talk about
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”