My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
You Might Also Like
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
So glad we cleared that up
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer