my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
just pretend nothing happened
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.