Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’d love this…lol