What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
become ungovernable
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people