sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.