Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
incredible book dedication
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir