My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Twitter fine art
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
looks legit
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!