You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
The French cow says MEUX…
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.