me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You Might Also Like
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I don’t think my car can fly
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.