Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
spot the difference
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??