“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..