As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.