In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Does this dress make me look cat?
just got my engagement photos
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes