Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife