I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Monday?
No. Next question.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.