Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Perfect
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat