According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.