we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I feel it
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.