Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.