Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago