Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me trying to look natural in photos
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.