Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Um … Hot Wings please
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Good morning y’all ☀️
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please