I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.