There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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