If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
What the hell happened in there??
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!