GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My patience has stretch marks.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.