Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Travel bloggers during quarantine