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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that