Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
#TopTip
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.