alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
notice
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.