“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression