Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If looks could kill
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything