“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
They’re really bad with fonts.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”