My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
lol
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.