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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Favourite diary entry ever
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now