White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.