21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
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Practicing safe sax
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it