I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*