Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom